Limping towards 13....

So I was thinking about the fact that Brian and I are going to be celebrating our 13th anniversary on October 18th and reflecting on our journey and I realized that it (marriage) is not easy. And sometimes, not all it's cracked up to be. Like everyone else, we have had great days and not so great days and yet somehow, we have been successful at "doing life"! "Oh my gosh, babe, we have FOUR kids and a mortgage! We are grown-ups!" Yay! But I have to say that this year has been a strange one; we have had stresses and joys and some seriously tough moments. I think that the first year is hard for sure, but I don't think it's the hardest. Not by a long shot.

Proceed with caution: this is a REAL, TRUE, SUPER HONEST account of my marriage experience thus far. It may not always be nice, but here we go:


A woman on her wedding day is so blissful, nervous, excited and basically has NO idea what is in store for her! LOL! A friend and I were chatting the other day and she was telling me about a group of ladies that were celebrating their friends' wedding day and all my friend could think was "RUN!". I have had that same thought; while smiling and nodding and listening to a young woman share about her "perfect" husband, ("honey, there is no such thing as perfect and certainly not at 3 am when you are covered in a 2 year olds' puke, scrubbing the floor, all while bathing a screaming toddler and your "perfect" hubs is sleeping peacefully through it all.) Yup, sweetie, this will be YOU!

Married couples will sometimes comment about the "seven-year itch" which is supposedly the time period in which couples start wanting to stray or leave, but I disagree. I think it's the "12-15 year itch". More couples I know have divorced in this time frame rather than the seven - year time frame. In seven years, (only my opinion) you are too busy working, buying a house, and having little ones that you barely have time to breathe, let alone think about leaving your spouse. You still see the "good" and you still are ok the annoying little habits and you are so over the moon with your precious babies that you can't imagine life any differently!! Aw, so sweet!! *gag* And then you fast forward to 10 years; kids are a bit older, sports activities consume you, homework overwhelms you and you are so exhausted all the time that you can't even remember who YOU are, "huh, married? yeah, yeah, I am. Hey, do you know what time soccer practice starts?".  In my experience, the 12th year has been a bit slower. My kids are relatively independent. I have time to reflect. To try to remember who I am. What I want from life. Time to remember who Brian is. To see if we still match up. Sometimes it's like "who is this stranger living with me and WHY is he SO NOISY? Must he sing like that? Why does he leave his socks near the hamper? Has he always snored so loud??" Yep, I've come up for air and suddenly I see him. I see the man I married. How the heck did I get here?? It's not always the picture you've kept in you're head. And I am blown away!

This has been a strange year, for sure, with moves, another child, promotions, fights, losses and struggles, but we see the big picture. We have been on the brink of divorce. We have been mean and nasty. We don't always like each other. Will it always be like this? No, it won't and we realize that someday our monkies will be full grown apes and it will just be us ("Holy cow!! What will we talk about?") and we will look forward to graduations and marriages and eventually retirement and grand-babies. We've been married long enough to be comfortable, to really know "us" but not so long that people say, "Wow, 20 years? 35 years? 62 years? That is so long! What is the secret?!" We really see each other, in all the ugliness and sometimes we are not very appreciative of each other. Sometimes the picture looks bleak. Sometimes we have no hope and sometimes we walk a fine line between love and hate. Sometimes we feel beaten down, tired, bruised and broken. But we know we have a choice. We have DECIDED to go the distance, to CHOOSE each other all over again. To build our relationship honestly, to regain intimacy emotionally. And so we are limping towards number 13, arms around each other, supporting each other when we trip, wiping the sweat out of each others' eyes and we WILL make it! And that is so good!

I LOVE chunky babies!!! And Colorado!!!

We are spending the week in Pagosa Springs, CO with Brian's family this week and I have to say it's beautiful!!! We are "camping" in the Wyndham development and it's definitely MY kind of camping!! My brother and sister-in-law are here as well and they have THE MOST beautiful baby girl, Keely Aspen, who is 4 months old. She is a star!! So chubby, chubby, chubby and I love it!! She has no ankles and no wrists, the kind of chunky that makes me want to take a bite of her! She is so alert and inquisitive, too, she doesn't miss a thing! Here she is:

Keely Aspen

Clint and Anita

Echo Lake

Sunset

At the end of the day:

...I relax on my couch, in my PJ's with a full belly.

...I have healthy kids.

...I have a husband that is present and that loves me.

...I have electricity and air conditioning and running water.

...I have friends. Really great friends.

...I am so very blessed.

...I struggle with things that consume my thoughts.

...I want to change things that have happened.

...I want to remember this night, and the insignificant moments of my daily life.

...I admit that sometimes I want to escape.

...I am never alone. My Savior is always with me.

...there is tomorrow and I am not promised it. I need to act now, say what needs to be said and mean it!

...I realize that I need to stop rambling and focus on letting go.

'Til tomorrow anyway...... :)

In the words of Eminem...

"I'm not afraid to take a stand....."! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this article that my sister forwarded to me ~ a bit loose on the language ~ but such a great "Mother" message!
http://adequateparenting.com/?p=393

The following is my response:
This is not my personal parenting choice obviously because I am a stay at home Mom, but what I am against is this idea that there are "right" and "wrong" ways to get pregnant, give birth, feed and otherwise parent your children. Why can't we all just be in one, big, happy, supportive "Mama" group. I WANT and NEED other Mommy's to be there for me, encourage me, tell me when I have made a mistake (lovingly) and how to correct it (also lovingly, please). I want to make choices that are right FOR ME and my family without backlash from "well-meaning" Moms that have it all figured out. Competive mothering is not a option for me. I DON'T care if you had an epidural during delivery (I did it both ways), but I DO care if you teach your children to be kind and respectful members of society. I DON'T care if you nursed or bottle-fed (I nursed three and bottle fed one) or for how long ( I did it for a length of time that I enjoyed) but I DO care that you feed your kiddos. I also care that you love them and nourish their brains, I care that you teach them to love one another and be tolerant of differences!

A word of caution now; if you are a Mom (or Dad) that feels the need to tell me that I should have given birth at home or that I should not vaccinate or that I should only home-school, or any number of societies' long held stigmas on "right" parenting, please be prepared to hear an opposing (but polite) difference of opinion. Followed by a kind (but firm) piece of advice. Please don't stand in front of me and spout about how you did it "right" and I did it "wrong". IT IS NOT A COMPETITION!!!!! (Repeat that!) It just doesn't matter! I have already given birth (at a hospital), and nursed my babies in public (gasp) and it's too late! All you are contending to do is make me feel bad about the choices I have made! I'm very competitive, but I just don't like this sport, quite franky! And another thing, my kids will survive me, despite the way I have birthed, fed, spanked, disciplined and loved them and yours will survive you, too; we are the only Mama's they have!

That said, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and if you are a home-birth, midwife having, "granola" mother or a junk-food feeding, video game playing Mama, go on with your bad self and do it proudly!!! I respect your choices and I adore that you brought your sweet lovies into the world! We all need to calm down a bit! After all, some of our Grandparents (and maybe even parents) were birthed at home, no epidural, fed cows milk that was directly from the cow, didn't go to school past 5th grade (or not at all) and they turned out to be great people!!! Remember that it truly does take a village and in the long term, it's just not all that important!

Crazy days. UGH.

And so my stinky mood continues. We found out that Jay and Lu have to transfer schools as of Monday, (thanks for the heads-up, Superintendent) and we don't have much recourse to the situation. I have argued and pleaded and over-explained to the best of my abilities, but we must do as we are told because "military kids move all the time, they are used to it". Ok, well tell that to my 4th grader and Kindergärtner! THEY have to move, THEY have to leave their friends, THEY have to adjust and put simply, it's really not fair. I'm worn out with the move, the stress, the stress and more stress. Who told Murphy he could write a law, anyway???

In addition, my hot water heater went out, the dog has a double ear infection, we have no phone or internet because after 5 wasted hours on the (working) phone I was told that I did not have a working phone (uh, I AM magical, but I do not possess the ability to talk to you via telephone without a working phone, geesh!) and therefore, cannot get internet capabilities. Yeah, ok, please cancel my service AT&T. Thanks soooo much! I will save my ranting about customer service for another day.

Ok, so I am about to gag myself on my own complaining and I know that life could be so much worse, but sometimes a girls' gotta vent! Ok, I'm done. No, really, I am. Tomorrow WILL be better for sure!!! And my littlies WILL make it through. And I WILL have phone and internet again (in case your wondering, I am currently thieving off a neighbors' wireless, shame on me) and really, who needs hot showers when it's 102* outside, right!!! *smile*

It's Not "OK"....

I'm sitting here thinking of something to write that would be funny, or witty or entertaining, but it's not happening. I am sad. Peaceful, but sad. Life has a way of butting in when things are going smoothly and sometimes the depth of hurt and pain and suffering has no boundaries. I have decided that this blog should be "me", all the guts and ugliness and bare-nakedness that make up "me" and sometimes it's just not so pretty or nice or funny or witty. Sometimes I'm heartbroken and confused and saddened. Angered. Mean. Ill-tempered. It doesn't happen often that I am speechless, but this past month has left me in that state several times. I am emotionally exhausted. After my sister's wedding (where I was left speechless at the love and hope in the vows they shared), to moving, to having events occur that I could not have predicted and that have left me speechless at the way they have altered the course of each of our lives. I'm "famous" for being dramatic, but this has been the most "raw" month of my life so far. But now there is nowhere to go but up, up, up!

So I am celebrating a new found sense of freedom in being in our new house and I am rejoicing with friends that are adding to their families through adoption and through the birth of a grandchild. I am seeing healing by God's hands and through prayer and love and friendship. I am watching little hearts overflow with joy and learning and growth. And their own sense of freedom. I am counting my blessings because my life is truly good and whole and full!

Being a "lady".....

This morning, Lauren was dressed for school in a dress and sitting on the couch with her panties showing. I told her to sit "like a lady". She said, "Whats a lady sit like?". Uh, um, well, "nicely". Boy do I have a way with words, right? Which got me thinking....

When I hear the words "act like a lady" I always think of the little female kitten in Arisocats (the movie) and how she says to her brother, "I'm not a sister, I'm a lady...". One of my favorite quotes is from Margaret Thatcher, "Being in power is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.". But when it's all said and done, I'm not sure what being a "lady" actually means. In my head, I think of Grace Kelly or Jackie O with their white gloves, perfectly coiffed hair and high heels. It means behaving properly. And knowing which fork to use. Not using words like "fart" or "bootie". I'd really like to think that I am a lady, but what I have described above certainly does not sound like me!

So, my dear friends and fellow ladies (heehehehehe, "fellow ladies", get it?) ahem, anyway, I would love to know what being a lady means to YOU!!! Guys, feel free to add your thoughts, as well! Have fun!

Insomnia....bad or good......

Ok, so many of you know that I struggle with insomnia....I have way too much going on in my brain and unless I take my Ambien, I am up all night. So after finishing a paper for school, I have decided to list the pros and cons of not being able to sleep (unless I take meds, which I have. not. yet. done. Obviously.)

Pros:
1. I post on here more often. (Is this a pro, guys???)
2. I get some quiet time when nobody else is awake!
3. I catch up with my friends and get to check out everyone's posts/pics/news! LOVE this!
4. I get to make lists...yeah, D, this one is for you.....STOP LAUGHING!!!
5. I complete some of my "on the back burner" um, projects. Is cleaning the oven a project?
6. I watch all the shows I have DVR'd and skip ALL the commercials!
7. I get to watch my cherubs sleep! *sigh*

Cons:
1. I exist on coffee, adrenaline, and sometimes tea.
2. I am NEVER fully rested, which leads to crankiness, which leads to a crying child or an annoyed husband.
3. My ADHD is in full effect....no, I don't really have ADHD, well, I think I don't....
4. My lists and projects are never finished.
5. I believe that this contributes to my hyper-ness about being neat and orderly, I can't control my body, so I try to control my environment. (Yes, hyper-ness IS a word and no, you may NOT use it!)
6. I spend waaaay too much time doing unnecessary things instead of taking my meds.
7. Of course! I have to take meds. Don't like 'em, but this one is needed....
8.  I am forgetful. Because I do not sleep. MMMM, what was I going on about??? Oh, yes, my list. SHUT UP, D!!! *smile*

So, now that I feel like I've accomplished something, I will go take my Ambien and go to bed. But first I need to.....

Turning 37.....

Pink Hair Days

So I turned 37 today and ya know, I really love being in my 30's! I feel a sense of peace, I know who I am and I like me! I feel like life will just keep getting better, even if on the outside, I get saggier and wrinklier as the years go by. My heart gets bigger and actually, I think my brain does, too. In my thirties, I have learned that it's ok to say no, it's good to be who God made me to be, it's important to teach my kids life lessons, even if it means that I have to be the "bad guy". I have learned that although marriage is sometimes a fine line between love and hate, I CHOOSE to be with my man and I CHOOSE to be happy. I have learned the importance of having good girlfriends that tell you like it is. About saying sorry and meaning it and forgiving and really letting go. In my thirties, I have had losses and blessings. And lessons from the Lord that sting, but stretch and grow me into becoming exactly who He intended me to be. I know there will be a time in my future that I will no longer have my Mom, and this makes me appreciate her in a way I could not when I was younger. I have come to a place where I hope and pray that I can be like her and accept it as a compliment when people say that I am! I have learned about making bad choices. I have learned about consequences. I have learned to cherish my health and treat my body well. I have learned that my kids are not me and they will do what they want, even under the best parenting, but it is my responsibility to train and guide and love them, NO MATTER what they do/are/become. My thirties have taught me that it is possible to love a child that did not come from my body, that I have only seen in pictures, and lives half way around the world, so much that my arms literally ache to hold her. I have learned the value of a dollar and that it is important, but not the most important thing. I have learned to laugh at myself and not take everything so seriously! And that no matter who says so, stretch marks are not a badge of honor, they are UGLY! (LOL) And that you can be a great Mom no matter how your child came into the world; naturally or with meds, c-section or vaginally, in the hospital or at home, what matters is that you love them. It also doesn't matter if you bottle or breast feed, as long as you feed them and nourish them!!! Of course, I have preferences, but mothering is NOT a contest! Not one of us has done it perfectly! And I love that! I think my journey to 40 will continue to be full of growth, lessons, acceptance, love, life, laughter and I can't wait to get there!!!

Do you ever wonder?

Here is a glimpse into the inner workings of my brain....'tis a scary, random place! Do you ever wonder:

How accents developed across the U.S.?

Why the panhandle is called the "panhandle"?

Who checks to see if you have removed your mattress tags? I mean, is this ACTUALLY somebody's job?

Where all of our emails go once they have been permanently deleted?

Where do all the lost pencils, socks, etc. really go? They MUST be somewhere, right?

Who names the cities and towns across the States? And why do they think that combining names, like Texarkana, is cool?

How people just disappear? This one is very confusing to me....

If we all see color the same way and if not, how do you know if my pink is your pink?

Where is Waldo?

Why are we (and by "we", I mean "me") are attracted to people that will cause me grief, but are so much fun?

If you'd like to add to my list or solve any of these puzzles, please feel free! Happy answering! :)